This piece is part of “The Next Self” series.
Most of us know it is time to end something long before the actual ending arrives.
Take my first marriage. I met him when I was 19. Having moved away from home at 14, I believed I was more mature than my years. We married when I was barely 23, and I was still deeply permeable, and still becoming. Our marriage lasted about four years.
There were red flags along the way, sometimes explosive and obvious, but mostly present in the ways we tried to shape each other into versions that felt more comfortable or more aligned with our own expectations. Neither of us was fully rooted in our own integrity — how could we be in our early 20’s!?
At a certain point, I knew I was done. Not because I had analyzed it to death or gathered enough evidence, I actually hadn’t. But, because I felt it in my body with a kind of certainty that did not waver. It was the same instinct that tells you not to eat something your body intuitively recognizes as harmful. There was no second-guessing this decision.
But knowing you are done and “leaving well” are not the same thing.
I didn’t leave with integrity.
I had already formed an emotional attachment to someone else, which made my exit faster and more abrupt than it needed to be. I walked away from a mortgage, a shared community, and a life we had built together. My leaving did not just affect me; it disrupted his life in a significant way, and he did not handle it well. We still don’t talk.
I am not sharing this as a confession (well, maybe I am), but as context.
Leaving is SO difficult. Leaving well requires a different level of awareness, responsibility, and restraint.
When I say leaving well, I am not talking about waiting until everything has deteriorated. It is not about staying until communication has broken down, resentment has taken over, or you are no longer showing up as your best version. Leaving well asks you to listen to when something is no longer aligned, and to act from that clarity before the situation forces your hand.
What makes this so challenging is that leaving is not just a logistical decision, it is an emotional and physiological experience that touches every fucking layer of your life.
Let’s get into it….
